February is a month of love. Across America, people take time on February 14th to celebrate and cherish their loved ones. But as I reflect on the state of our Country, I wonder what would happen if we all embraced this concept of Learning to Love beyond just one day – in the good, in the bad, or even in the indifference between us?
I didn’t always embrace this concept, and as a matter of fact, in my book Lost Girl, I share how love was not something I experienced or felt through most of my childhood or young adult life. The only person in my life who I felt truly loved me was my Grandma Keta., When we were ripped away from her at age nine, it devastated me and wreaked havoc on my childhood and teen life. When you lack love, or feel unloved, it makes it near impossible to love others back. But when I encountered the true, authentic, divine Agape love of God, it began to transform my perception and behavior.
Experiencing Deep Love for the First Time
I fell in love with David at the very young age of 21. I had never experienced the kind of love that I felt for him. I was smitten by his joy, his presence (and yes, his ridiculous physique and looks), but more than anything, I saw him as “my knight and shining armor” amid my chaotic, dysfunctional life. I dedicate a few chapters and intimate details of our start together in Lost Girl. David was truly a revolutionary figure in my life on Earth.
Of course, I had already met God and experienced His divine love at age 19 before I met and married David. But when our journey together began, it was anything but smooth. Despite our deep love for God and each other, we faced immense struggles, largely due to the severe dysfunction I grew up in. My perception of love was skewed by my past, and I didn’t know how to navigate difficulties in a healthy way.
David’s childhood was also marked by hardship. He was raised in a single-parent home after his father’s tragic death when he was just five years old. His mother, a Mexican woman in the 1970s with no education or job, did her best to care for her five children. She refused government assistance, determined to provide for them on her own. But the weight of grief and responsibility left David and his siblings largely fending for themselves. He told me that ages five and six were a blur, as he was shuffled between relatives. His father’s name was never spoken again, and all pictures of him were removed from their home.
When I met David in 1988, he had also had a deep encounter with God five years prior to me that changed his life, but at that point in his adult life and as a result in our early marriage, he had never received counseling for his anger or trauma sustained by his childhood loss. So, there we were, young adults who were madly in love and both going into our marriage carrying the baggage from our past and just trying to love each other, serve God, raise our children, and do the best we could to deal with the internal waves that would flow due to our childhood and teen trauma.
Although we had moments of joy, our early years together were tumultuous. David was never physically abusive, but his anger, combined with my emotional dysfunction, created a volatile environment. We did our best to shield our daughter from our struggles, but the weight of unhealed wounds seeped into our home.
The Journey of Healing and Learning to Love
After years of trying to navigate our trauma on our own, we both decided that in order to truly learn to love, forgive, and thrive in our marriage (not just survive), we needed to seek help. We committed to facing our past, both individually and together. We desperately wanted to give our children a better example of love and resilience. Don’t get me wrong, we had plenty of joy and peace in our family. However, when dealing with the drug dealer baby daddy interference, my family dysfunction with my mom and twin brother, or difficulty with David’s anger and emotional outbursts, no matter how hard we tried we were not able to heal or solve the problem without counseling. Despite our deep faith, we recognized that prayer alone wasn’t enough – we needed tools, guidance, and accountability. Seeking counseling gave us valuable strategies for navigating the complexities of our struggles. It wasn’t an easy journey. In fact, it took decades of deliberate effort. Even today, nearly 35 years later, we still seek periodic counseling and remain accountable to our mentors, pastors, and close confidants.
The key to our endurance has been a commitment to change and a determination to let love and forgiveness be the foundation of our marriage. In a world where many are quick to walk away, we have chosen to fight for love. This resilience has strengthened us, shaping not only our relationship but also the legacy we leave for our children and future generations.
Three Key Lessons in Love
There are several principles I have learned along my love journey – not only with David but also with my mother and other loved ones in my life. Here I want to share my top three lessons that have been instrumental in my ability to embrace love in all of its complexities:
Love People Where They Are - Not Where You Want Them to Be. Love is a deliberate choice. Too often, we set expectations for people based on our own desires rather than accepting them as they are. This doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, but it does mean adjusting our perceptions and recognizing the good in others.
I learned this the hard way with my late mother, Grace. For years, I resented her for not being the mother I needed. I wanted her to acknowledge my pain, change her ways, and become the loving, nurturing mom I longed for. But she couldn’t see it. In her mind, she had done the best she could. When I finally released her from the burden of my expectations and forgave her, my heart changed. I could finally see her for the incredible, loving woman she was—a woman who was simply doing her best to survive. That shift freed me from resentment and paved the way for my own healing as a mother and wife.
When You Can’t Love, Tap into the Divine. The Bible speaks of Agape love – a love that is unconditional, sacrificial, and life-giving. There have been many moments in my life when I felt unable to love, when anger, hurt, or exhaustion made it seem impossible. In those moments, I have learned to turn to God and ask Him to fill me with His love.
My 31-year-old son, Caleb, recently wrote me a birthday card that brought me to tears. He thanked me for teaching him how to love – with patience, forgiveness, and grace. Hearing that affirmed for me that, despite my struggles, I have been able to model love for my children. But make no mistake – I have failed many times. There were moments I wanted to lash out in anger or retaliate when I was hurt. What has kept me grounded is the decision to surrender my emotions to God and ask Him to help me love even when it’s hard.
Love People – Period. Even in Business. At AvantGarde, one of our core values is Leading with Love. While financial success is important, it should never come at the expense of our people. Our philosophy – People First, Client Always – guides our decisions, even when it means making tough calls. As the CEO and founder of the company, the buck stops with me. I believe deeply that the bottom line is improved when people feel valued and loved in their career. I once made the difficult choice to walk away from a $1 million-a-year contract because the client created a toxic work environment. One of my employees was so stressed that she feared it was impacting her pregnancy. When I addressed the issue, the client denied any wrongdoing and blamed our entire team. After holding a town hall, praying, and consulting my leadership, I knew I had to act. In a Zoom call with the client, I firmly but respectfully ended our contract, prioritizing my team’s well-being over revenue. The response from my team was overwhelming. Many shared that in all their years in government contracting, they had never seen a CEO put employees before profits. Did I want to lose over a million a year in business? NO. Did I want to step away and not rebid the work? NO. But I felt strongly that if I didn’t live my values and demonstrate my “People First” strategy then I would not be true to myself. That decision reaffirmed my commitment to living out our values—not just in words, but in action. And in the end, doing the right thing paid off; we not only preserved our company culture but also won contracts that far exceeded what we lost. Real leadership means standing by your principles, even when it’s costly. At AvantGarde, success isn’t just measured by the bottom line – it’s measured by how we uplift and protect our people.
Love Is Not Always Easy, But It Is Worth It
You might be thinking, “how do I shift or pivot when I’m dealing with difficult, unloving people?” I suggest you start with these five actions below, and embrace and practice them daily in 2025:
Start now. It’s never too late to demonstrate to those you love a different approach on how you choose to love. Tomorrow is promised to no one, so act today.
Give yourself room to grow, fail forward. Like me, you won’t get it right every time, but if you practice these concepts daily and tap into the divine supernatural strength and support of God, “you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you”. If you fail to show love, own it and ask for forgiveness then move forward. People you love will appreciate your transparency and provide grace. If they don’t, then it is on them and you have to just move forward.
Identify one or two people to start practicing this with. Maybe it’s your spouse, mom, dad, brother, or sister. Find someone close to you that you know you need to learn to love good, bad, or indifferent. As you grow, you identify others and spread the love.
Journal your change. In your quiet prayer or meditation time, write down what you see and how you shift. I also write down prayers to God to help hold me accountable. As I mess up, I go back and read them to help me re-center.
Last but not least: Don’t be a door mat. Love those around you, but if you experience abuse or neglect or hate from those you love, the best thing you can do is draw a line, say no, and demand change. Oftentimes when we love generously, we are perceived as weak and people will want to take advantage of us. Sadly, sometimes it’s those we love the most. There is a delicate balance between loving. As pastor Joel Osteen, says: “Some family you just have to love from a distance and only see them once or twice a year.” Don’t put yourself in a situation to be hurt or abused. Embrace love, good, bad, or indifferent, but don’t put your heart, emotions, or yourself at risk.
In a world where it is so easy to give up on people, I challenge you to fight for love—in your marriage, in your family, and in your friendships. True love strengthens your core and shapes your character. It sets you apart and sends a message to the world that love is possible—even in hardship.
So, as we celebrate this month of love, let’s not limit it to romantic gestures on February 14th. Let’s commit to learning to love every day —in the good, the bad, and the indifferent.
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Happy Love month!
RC
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